Walking into the theater to see the film version of Fifty Shades of Grey, I wasn’t sure what to think although I knew what to expect. I had done my research. I read up on the support for the novel and the complaints from the opposition, but I didn’t read the book. I wanted to be as open-minded as possible before I sat down to watch the movie. Frankly, though, no matter whether you think it’s risqué or erotic, Fifty Shades of Grey is the least entertaining and least romantic Valentine’s Day flick to hit the silver screen.

If you somehow missed the biggest literature scandal of the decade, Fifty Shades of Grey is a film based on the first novel of the same name in the trilogy by E. L. James. The premise is the simple and overused Girl-Next-Door meets Uber-Rich-Hottie, and for some unfathomable reason, he wants her and only her. In this case, the archetypes are filled by literature student Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) and wealthy businessman Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). But wait! It’s not quite a typical boy-becomes-obsessed-with-Mary-Sue story because Christian isn’t all that vanilla. Just when Ana is excited to begin her relationship with her rich beau, he reveals to her that he derives pleasure from BDSM. After presenting his contract, Ana must decide whether she wants to sign on and be his Submissive.

As noted, one of the biggest issues with the film is the completely unoriginal characters. Ana, for one, is obnoxiously timorous and horribly contradicting. At one moment, she’ll attempt to be defiant, defending her free will, but as soon as Christian pushes her the slightest bit, all that goes out the window. What’s more, she takes shy to an embarrassing new level, looking down, whispering mild-mannered questions and biting her lip every five minutes (something left over from its days as a Twilight FanFiction.) Yet, despite this, she’s the one girl everyone wants.

Then there’s Christian, who’s downright disturbing. He wants to control what his girlfriend eats and drinks. His “intense” eyes don’t even blink when they look at Ana. He appears inside her home without being given a key, after she indicates that they’re through. He’s supposed to have a traumatic past that justifies his actions, but in the real world? That’s not romance; that’s stalking.

It’s amazing, really, how Fifty Shades is simultaneously nauseatingly sweet and yet horribly not. In the beginning, before the plot twist, James tried to cram in every possible romantic cliché. Ana trips when she first meets Christian. He “just happens” to be in the neighborhood. He sends her expensive gifts. He saves her from a careening bicycle. She drunk dials him, and he even holds her hair back as she vomits.

But after that, from the moment Christian slaps his contract on the table and introduces Ana to his playroom, the romance is over. I suppose it’s fitting that way because even Ana knows that’s the moment their romantic relationship is over. Funny enough, although Ana spends a solid hour wavering over being Christian’s Submissive, she submits herself to him a number of times. While this may have had more depth and explanation in the book, in the movie this translated to Ana being unsure and then having sex, to Ana saying “nice knowing you” and then having sex, to Ana wanting “more”… and then having sex.

Point is, the movie stagnates, and while Ana’s angst is occasionally broken up with erotic sex scenes, it earns its R rating and not much more. Fact: if you’re watching for the eroticism, Dakota Johnson’s gasping breaths just don’t cut it.

To be fair, though, the cinematography is beautiful, even outside the bedroom scenes. From the helicopter views to the reflection angles, every shot was gorgeous and sophisticated in a way the rest of the film wasn’t. The soundtrack, too, is nothing short of miraculous, making uncomfortable moments seem romantic with the power of smooth jazz.

But a pretty movie isn’t a good movie. Beyond the sheer lack of entertainment, it’s important to note the fundamental problems with the story itself, problems that trace back to the original writing. Fifty Shades of Grey is supposedly empowering, encouraging women to be more open about their sexuality and their fantasies.

That’s all well and good, and certainly something to strive for, but I cannot commend it, not when it glorifies an abusive relationship. And no matter which way you look at it, Ana and Christian have an abusive relationship. Christian stalks Ana, he intimidates her, he controls her, and he denies her emotional support. She feels trapped and threatened, and he offers material gifts as a replacement for affection. It’s unhealthy, and, as stated in a published study by social scientist Dr. Amy E. Bonomi from Michigan State University, is a case of “intimate partner violence.”

So, as far as romances go, Fifty Shades is part of the problem, portraying a bad relationship and calling it love. But soapbox aside, there are far more than fifty reasons to not see Fifty Shades of Grey. The movie lacks any entertainment value and leaves the viewer more uncomfortable than aroused. Don’t waste money on it. If you really want romantic smut, there are better FanFictions out there for free.