Collusion. Corruption. Communism. More ‘C’ words.

The investigation concerning Russian involvement in the 2016 election has come to a halt.

By the time this is published, I’m positive some shocking new development will arise. Keeping up with the current events is becoming more taxing that keeping up with the Kardashians. On zero sleep, mint Oreos, and pure unadulterated rage, I have compiled a list of as to what could possibly be happening in the Mother Country.

Espionage, Spies, and Such

Clearly the Russians—no specific Russian, just all of them—are planning to destroy the United States of America (or at least the states that matter. Montana basically belongs to Canada). In an attempt to destroy the U.S. of A,  Russia will use its best and brightest to create the most advanced microwave for espionage.

“There was an article that week that talked about how you can surveil people through their phones, through their—certainly through their television sets, any number of different ways,” White House Counselor to the President (for now at least) Kellyanne Conway said. “And microwaves that turn into cameras, et cetera. We know that is just a fact of modern life.”

The Russians understand this “fact of modern life” and intend on exploiting it by mass producing and exporting microwaves to every American household. The microwaves may even send frequencies to our brain to convince us to redistribute the wealth…pretty soon there will be an all out war against communism, and we know how that worked out the first time.

‘D’ is for Doping and Destroying America

Or maybe the Russians are just coming up with more effective ways to beat us in the Olympics. The Olympic Athletes from Russia (OAR) are probably pretty peeved that they aren’t just identified as “Russia” and are instead referred to as sticks for boats.

Poisoning some more spies

As we in America, a civilized society, know, poisoning people is barbaric. After the assassination of Alexander Litvinenko,  a former officer in Russia’s FSB (Russian Federalnaya Sluzhba Bezopasnosti spy agency, a.k.a Federal Security Service, a.k.a The Enemy), by radioactive polonium, Russian President Vladimir Putin, has probably continued to punish the wise who have turned against him. In fact, he’s probably left entire cities to suffer from poison in their water system. Maybe even for as long as 1,467 days. We would never allow that to happen in America.

Sharing Your Facebook Search History, (among probably more serious things)

Mark Zuckerberg already knows about your slightly concerning obsession with Tiny Food Videos, and now Russia does too! If it helps, Mark Zuckerberg is not a real human person. Who knew that a social network with such humble beginnings—it was made in a dorm room, if you haven’t heard—could possess the power to screw us this much, huh?

According to the New York Times, “Russian agents intending to sow discord among American citizens disseminated inflammatory posts that reached 126 million users on Facebook, published more than 131,000 messages on Twitter and uploaded over 1,000 videos to Google’s YouTube service.”

The Russians now know how to target American voter groups to not only sway elections, but divide political parties and organizations further. But more importantly, the Russians have seen your “late night thought” Tweets. And you should be embarrassed.

Just Hangin’ Out 

It’s pretty ethnocentric to assume that every other country is thinking about the U.S. all the time. Often times our Western minds limit and hinder our understanding of the world. Or something.