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A global scandal

Let's go ahead and set a few things straight...

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A global scandal

Jack Wanninger, Staff Writer

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Today, I will make a very bold claim. Our home planet, Earth, is not a sphere. It is a circle, but it is not a sphere. The Earth is flat.

For the hundreds of thousands of years that our species has settled across this globe, we have always been at odds with each other, whether it’s over land, resources, power, or other material possessions. Humans are endlessly brawling over ideas, challenging the intellectual orthodoxy of their times.

Guess what? That’s what I’m doing right now. I’m standing up to the infinite hordes of “confirmed” facts, scientific observations spanning from across the centuries, and the angry voice of the public. Why do I think the Earth is flat, contrary to all this overbearing mass of truth? Well, because I said so.

Try this right now. Grab a pencil from the nearest desk and just drop it on the floor from a straight angle. Just pick it up with your own hand and let go of it above the carpet. Now watch the pencil. Tell me, is that pencil rolling across the room? I thought not. If the Earth truly was a sphere, that pencil would be rolling.

Now try this. Look at your shoe. Feel it if you want; your hands won’t get dirty from touching the bottom of your shoe (germ theory isn’t real, but that’s a topic for another day). Tell me, is that sole rounded? Is it shaped like an arch? If the world was truly a sphere, wouldn’t we need shoes that would firmly grasp it’s curved terrain? What’s going on? There is literally no explanation other than that the planet is flat.

What’s that? You need real, confirmed, verifiable scientific research and studies in order to confirm my hypothesis? How about this: I will NOT give you that, and instead, I give you a paragraph full of techno-babble that makes me sound authoritative and trustworthy.

This planeta nostra (using Latin makes me sound even smarter), to which our forefathers have bestowed the title-designate of “Earth,” exists in this plane of reality as an immobile cylindrical disk, wherein its terrain, composed of constantly shifting tectonic plates and abundant masses of dihydrogen monoxide in the manner of which we observe today. Many expedient and reliable sources supplant our human conscious with the knowledge that our planet is the centerpoint of the universe, and the elephantine astronomical masses which we name the “Sun” and “Moon” are in a incessant circular orbit aloft several units of distance beyond the atmospheric layer. The continent which we are familiar with as “Antarctica” is actually a gelid barrier of solidified D.H.M.O. (acronyms make me sound smarter, too; it doesn’t matter if nobody knows what they mean), which serves as a watchful guardian, precluding the abundant overflow of our oceans into the ceaseless void of space.

That sounded very reliable and smart. You see how easy it is for me to reach my conclusion? All I need to do is disregard hundreds of years of concrete scientific knowledge, disregard personal observable evidence (like solar and lunar eclipses, or why boats far off in the distance look like they’re sinking into the water), and jump over logical hoops and bounds just to stand out from the crowd. Combine that with a bunch of big words and acronyms and I’m basically an authoritative figure, despite having no scientific background.

Please join us next time where I debunk the global scam and industrial lie known as “peacocks”, and how they’re actually just colorful turkeys.

 

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A global scandal