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Movies that shouldn’t have been made

The+Room+%282003%29
The Room (2003)

The Room (2003)

The Room (2003)

Abby Hanson, Opinions Editor

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1.Birdemic: Shock and Terror

I will never watch this movie again. A mess of bad audio and even worse special effects, Birdemic: Shock and Terror shares all the quality issues of Who Killed Captain Alex? (See #10) With none of the charm. Even worse is the half-baked love story threaded into the larger narrative of -get this- a breakout epidemic of “Bird flu virus” that causes birds to release acid and peck apart their human victims. Even as a cheesy, so-bad-it’s-good watch, Birdemic takes 40 minutes to get to any action whatsoever and when it finally does, the scenes are ridiculously poorly-acted. It is very deserving of its first place spot. Still, like all horrible movies, it has a sequel.

2. Suicide Squad

With a budget of $175 million, Suicide Squad has no excuse. The plot, which involves a team of super villains performing black ops missions to save the world, is rushed and illogical. The movie relies so much on eye-catching costumes and aesthetically-pleasing shots that it might as well be a music video. I will never forgive it for the constant stream of requests for “Daddy’s Lil’ Monster” shirts that Party City employees will have to endure every Halloween for the next ten years.

3. The Bee Movie
I’m all for saving the bees, but there’s simply no feasible way to save The Bee Movie. The 2007 comedy film follows Barry B. Benson, a honey bee who sues the human race for its exploitation of bees, striving to gain the attention of Vanessa, a very beautiful, very human florist along the way. Besides the oddity of a bee-human romance, The Bee Movie is filled with bad puns and a ridiculous plot, both of which earn it the third spot on the list.

4. The Emoji Movie

I wish I could say The Emoji Movie was good. I wish I could say it was some witty, thought-provoking critique of 2017’s smartphone-obsessed society. Unfortunately, it was not. Almost the entire movie was one advertisement or another; the gaps were filled with poop jokes and mechanically-inserted “lessons” on feminism and embracing differences. Despite some big names, like actress Anna Faris and comedian James Corden, the only effect the movie had on me was creating a deep longing for the treasured Toy Story movies of my youth.

 

5. Sharknado

Not many will give it credit for this, but Sharknado was a trailblazer, a pioneer. In my opinion, it was the final domino that catalyzed this modern trend of ridiculous movies that people watch purely because they’re awful. Unlike Birdemic (see #1), it doesn’t take itself seriously. Behind the crappy effects and cheesy acting, the producers really see the ridiculousness in sharks flying around in some massive tornado destroying Los Angeles, and they utilize that oddity to make something uniquely entertaining. This works, and it works well. There are five movies in the Sharknado saga, the most recent having been released in August this year.

 


6. Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief

Since elementary school, I have been a hardcore Percy Jackson fan. When I was younger, I would stay up late, laughing at each chapter title, turning my nose up at those inferior Harry Potter fanatics. But in February 2010, when The Lightning Thief was released, I lost all claim to superiority. The Lightning Thief falls victim to the all-too-familiar trope of making acne-covered middle school or high school students glamorous twenty-somethings with perfect hair and meaningful conversations. And although I’m not one to shame a movie for not following every move of its parent novel, the film, which also follows Percy Jackson, the demigod son of the Greek god Poseidon, is almost unrecognizable from its book format. Gone, too, was all the comedy my younger self had enjoyed when reading the series obsessively for weeks. Somewhere, under piles printed paper and sticky note sketches, Rick Riordan is crying.

 

7. The Room (2003)

You’ve got to admire a movie that’s written, directed by, produced by, and starring the same guy. That takes effort, if also a bit of narcissism. The Room, created by filmmaker Tommy Wiseau, is often considered the worst movie of all time, and this is not without reason. For 99 minutes, the viewer is subjected to a poorly-written mess of love affairs, drug deals, jealousy, and eventually, suicide. The movie is so bad, in fact, it warranted the recent creation of a parody film by James Franco and Seth Rogen, titled The Disaster Artist. Now that, my friends, just might be worth watching.

 

8. Sixteen Candles

Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s worth acknowledging that this is John Hughes’s. Sixteen Candles is a web of teen angst, gross humor, and unnecessary drama. Oh, everyone forgets Sam’s birthday. Oh, the boy she likes doesn’t know she exists. Woe be to her. And don’t even get me started on Jake Ryan. With a strong jawline and a glittering Porsche, one can almost forget that at one point in the movie, everyone’s favorite 80s teen love interest casually threatens to rape his girlfriend, who is passed out in the next room over. So, before you scribble out an angry letter on the back of a copy of the Breakfast Club, consider that.

 

9. The Last Unicorn

The Last Unicorn is not a kid’s movie. Like many children, I was subjected to horrific scenes of a unicorn-human romance and the sexual harassment of a wizard via a sentient tree purely because my parents believed any movie with “unicorn” in the title couldn’t be bad. Granted, the film was made in the 80s, but with films like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and The Breakfast Club, the decade it was made holds no excuse for the laughable dialogue and comedically bad shots characteristic of the film. Combined with the awful animation reminiscent of the animated Lord of the Rings movies from the 70s, The Last Unicorn definitely qualifies for this list.


10. Who Killed Captain Alex?

There are movies with small budgets, and there are movies with no budgets. Cult classic Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog was heavily praised for making due with its slim allowance of just over $200,000. But Who Killed Captain Alex?, Uganda’s first action film, blows that away with its estimated budget of $200. Filmmaker Isaac Nabwana financed the project by selling bricks to buy a video camera and using his friends as the actors, with many of the cast playing multiple roles. While most of the film is just a poorly-narrated string of blurry fight scenes, the passion and effort put in by Captain Alex’s creators make the movie oddly endearing.

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Movies that shouldn’t have been made