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You don’t need those

The problem with fake glasses, as told by someone who needs actual glasses

Jane Jeong, Staff Writer

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Sleeveless hoodies, clear pants, and Crocs.

Honestly, I think that I’m a pretty accepting person when it comes to fashion. I won’t say anything aloud if you’re wearing any of the things mentioned above. Even though Crocs are controversial, there’s one fashion trend that really rubs me the wrong way. Just pushes my buttons, if you will. And it’s fake glasses.

Now, I know you’re about to defend your fashion choices by saying that it’s just fashion and nothing more. That there isn’t anything in your subconscious influencing your choice to wear glasses for the sake of having them on your face. And to that I say that your statement is really interesting, especially because I have evidence that says you do have an underlying motive.

“We can assume, then, that people make their eyeglass choices on the basis of what they [along with everyone else] perceive to be the effects of eyeglasses on appearance,” said Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. “Once chosen, these eyeglasses further reinforce that desired impression, whether it’s to be perceived as honest, distinctive, intelligent, attractive, trustworthy, or [perhaps] innocent.”

Do you have evidence from a doctor proving that your “harmless” fashion choice is acceptable? I didn’t think so.

However, the thing that bothers me most about fake glasses is that they’re, well, fake. Those of us who are cursed with bad eyesight do not find it “fun” to be momentarily blinded by fog when we drink hot beverages; likewise, it’s not “fun” to not be able to lay down on our sides comfortably and watch TV at the same time.

It’s not “cute” to be bothered by a fingerprint smudging your view all day; we don’t think it’s “cute” to wait until rain dries off out of your sight. Unlike you, we can’t just take our glasses off in the middle of the day if we get annoyed by them. We need them to do pretty mundane tasks, at least safely. So if we decide that we don’t want to be stuck with glasses, we choose to stuff plastic films called contacts right onto our eyeballs and hope our eyes don’t get too dry by the end of the day.

All in all, it’s a lose-lose situation. So sorry if I get just the slightest bit annoyed when I see someone wearing “glasses” while holding their $30 hipster coffee and wearing some brand-name tan-colored turtleneck, when they could clearly afford LASIK if they actually wore prescription glasses.

Here’s the lesson of this story: please stop wearing fake glasses. It hurts the little pride and confidence I have left in my eyesight. And if I find you wearing fake glasses, I’ll poke your eyes out so you won’t have to wear glasses at all. Don’t worry, I’m kidding! But seriously.

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You don’t need those